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Thursday, June 13, 2013

It’s gonna be a Great Summer…!



…Dear Craigslist:

Seeking financial freedom and friendship (~wink, wink) for an easy solution to my own self imposed economical and emotional dilemma.

Me …Fiscally and romantically dysfunctional in an as yet wholly undiagnosable way, (The DSM-5 hasn’t begun to chronicle a reasonable enough categorical title for the disorders currently in my possession); unabashedly self conscious, albeit in a well disguised and seemingly abstract story-telling kind of fashion; 30ish (ish, ish); tall dark and handsome –particularly wellll after sunset from a distance (…quite a) and viewed from behind through poorly maintained night vision visors and glaucous nearsighted eyeballs.

You …Extreeemely attractive, financially Over-secure in a “would-love-to-donate-to-my-cause-kind-of-bent”; above average intellectually, but with poor self esteem and Daddy issues; witty, but drama free; reasonably bad eyesight but not of a squinty unattractive inclination; strikingly  well maintained physically, however in a normal not medically induced propensity.

Personal benefits to be gained upon hire date …A giggle-fest so extreme that tissues by-the-case lot would be strongly advised for the watery eyes and runny nose you will surely suffer from as you are coerced into hearing about my many life achievements to date along with my plans for more of the same in the near and distant future. (A possible pre-investment in adult incontinence garments, or “pads” of some sort, may also be a useful purchase until such time as my philosophy on all things important-only-to-me becomes trivial and boring as historically this has seemed to be fleshed out time after time,  and, if not, certainly once our initial so-called honeymoon period comes, mercifully, to an End). Lots of free exercise from playing naked Slip ‘n Slide until dawn followed up with more randy adult oriented yoga in the form of full contact uninhibited Twister (wink, wink, Nod). While this may all sound quite exciting and cardiovascular in nature along with less cumbersome and expensive than maintaining a Gym membership I should perhaps toss out the disclaimer that there may be an emotional and psychological toll fare far exceeding the contrived health benefits ~You’ve been fairly forewarned.

If interested in this selection process…, Please forward recent Bank Statements, Official documentation supporting current physiological stamina, Psychiatric evaluation (you will certainly need a Strong platform here from which to jack knife into the deep dark pool that I represent), and, of course, any glamorous 8x10’s you feel would perhaps Seal the Deal.~

It’s gonna be a Great Summer!